awakening

by Joshua Roman

What a year! As I write this (a little late) looking back on 2015, I can’t help but be glad it’s over. It was, to be sure, a big year. Artistically, professionally, and personally. The ups and downs of previous years seemed somehow magnified as I stretched myself to create and participate in endeavors beyond my previous experience. Along with the pressure that I felt to be excellent (both from outside forces and, naturally, myself) in all of these undertakings, I also felt a pervading sense of anxiety around me as our world seemed to unravel in the headlines and at home.

On the artistic side, I wrote a !@#$ing cello concerto.

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Flying high on the way to premiere my first cello concerto!

That’s big for me! Never having taken on something of that magnitude, there were many pitfalls and logistical nuisances I hadn’t expected. Coupled with my ignorance of the process, this made every little decision seem that much more dire and potentially confusing. The lessons I’d learned from writing three other, smaller pieces were little help when it came to writing a large form piece, and then I had to orchestrate it. It wasn’t a bad process, just an intimidating project that I am super happy to have in the past. Now, I can take on the next project with more understanding of what it will be like. And, boy oh boy, the good feeling associated with this creativity is definitely worth it!

In terms of collaborations, I was lucky enough to work with many artists in new settings or formats for me:

Third Coast Percussion
Vosges Haut Chocolate
Saskia Fernando Art Gallery in Sri Lanka
Bill T. Jones and Somi at TED
You – my online friends who voted for the Bach Suites I ended up performing at Town Hall Seattle
Seattle Youth Symphony and Mentors
Enso String Quartet filling in for their wonderful cellist Richard Belcher
Lisa Bielawa and the cast/crew of her Video Opera “Vireo”
Vijay Gupta and the Street Symphony
Daniel Bernard Roumain and Rafael Bejarano at Summit
Abigail Washburn, Andrew Mendelson, Andrew Nemr, Bora Yoon, Somi, and Non-Musicians Composing For The First Time at the TED Fellows Retreat

Then, of course, there were the many wonderful classical musicians, orchestras, and composers that I worked with in more traditional settings. Playing the new Mason Bates Concerto multiple times, and also tackling the inimitable Dvorak Concerto more than usual, were great experiences! I love the mix of familiar and new as I travel around the United States playing awesome cello music with our large classical music family.

With Mason Bates and Mirga Gražinytė-Tyla after the premiere of his exciting new cello concerto in Seattle.

Professionally, I joined this lovely organization, Second Inversion as Artistic Advisor Which means I started blogging again! I also joined the Advisory Board for Street Symphony, and became a TED Senior Fellow. Early in 2016, I’ll be announcing another small but exciting series for the summer in a stunning area of the country. And last and maybe actually also least, I opened an Instagram account.

Testing the microphones at KING FM/Second Inversion – first day on the job!

Personally, sheesh. I went from literally living on the road with no home address to a temporary rental in Cliffside Park, New Jersey – a great room and roommate but too far from my daily life activities – to renting a small one bedroom with a fireplace (!) in the neighborhood of Chelsea, back in NYC on the small island of Manhattan. I went from fairly sedentary to working out with weights every day, to just running and doing push-ups, to swimming, to yoga… quite a cornucopia. And dating? Rough. I divorced a couple of years ago, and this year was fraught with wild tension from beginning to end. 2015 began with the end of a short but intense relationship, and later became dominated by an undefined and ultimately ill-fated relationship with a formerly close friend.

On top of all of this, I read the news every day. Enough said.

My father rockin’ a sweet Fender Mustang electric bass on Christmas Eve.

Again, though, I won’t say it was a bad year. I know a lot more about myself now, and the people around me. There have been some beautiful things to come out of the chaos. And music has become even more personal and important to me, especially as I learn how to connect and engage on a creative level. The last performance of 2015 was Christmas Eve with my mom, my dad, and one of my brothers (photos above and below). The first performance of 2016 will be at my grandmother’s funeral, and I’ll be playing string quartets with my two brothers and my sister. I was able to start confronting pent-up feelings through writing music, and both receive and give comfort through sound at various times.

My brother and mother waiting for the next Christmas tune.

Does this post seem a bit rambly? A bit distracted, disorganized, unfocused? Ambitious in breadth, but scattered at the same time? That’s me, in 2015. Riding the edge, and shooting from the hip. I’ve not yet catalyzed my goals for 2016, but at the center is refocusing. I will continue to do all of the things I began this year, but I will not be seeking out any new kinds of projects. If 2015 was the year of expansion and anxiety, 2016 will be the year of focus and care.

I’ve been asking a lot of friends about their year, and most of my circle is ready for this one to end. I’m always ready to take an excuse, in this case a random day we decided long ago is the First Day of the New Year, and rethink in a more positive way how we can go about things. I think we could all use some of that, and if your 2015 was nothing but up, up, up, please do share and inspire the rest of us!

Today’s playlist will be nothing but the Beatles, in honor of finally being able to stream one of the greatest musical acts of the 20th Century.

Playlist:
The Beatles: A Hard Day’s Night
The Beatles: The Beatles (White Album)
The Beatles: Revolver

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#TFW you’re about to hear your first orchestral composition for the first time…

It’s alive! My first cello concerto, has come into the world – kicking and screaming – but alive. What a crazy experience. I’ve never done anything quite like this, and while it was a project that stretched me almost to the limit, it’s been worth it. I feel more in touch with my artistic sensibility than ever, and more motivated to continue the creative process than I have been in a long time.

I’ll save details of the piece for the day when I’m able to share a recording. In the meantime, there were plenty of lessons in the process.

Lesson 1: Everything Takes Longer Than You Think!
Lesson 2: Everything Takes Longer Than You Think, Even After Allowing For Lesson 1.

The other lessons were more fun, and didn’t require all-nighters. (which leads to apologies to my copyist, George Katehis, who should be sponsored by Red Bull.)

I learned that I am not so good at revision – I already kind of knew this, in relation to writing this blog (among other things). I think it might have something to do with my training as a performer, spending years developing the skill of memorizing quickly. Perhaps those neural pathways need to chill a bit, and not wear those grooves in so deeply on first hearing. Luckily, I’ve been getting better at it by necessity. The blog helps, but the concerto really was a breakthrough in that sense. The pressure of an impending performance where I’m presenting my own art led to much more scrutiny than I realized I was capable of.

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As usual, Mom and Dad got the first preview via Skype.

I also learned that it takes a bit longer than the warm-up time between dress rehearsal and the concert to switch from the composing mindset to the performing one. It didn’t help that the damn composer (me) didn’t give the cellist (me) the music until very late in the game. As I rehearsed, my focus was very much on the orchestra bringing my imaginary sounds to life. Listening to hear if what I had notated was being played, and if so, was it working the way I expected? In this state of mind it’s hard to do much more than play the notes. During my break, I had time with the cello alone, and quickly realized that I needed to breathe and bring myself back into that special focus that I need to perform. It worked, somewhat, but as with everything else that week it would have been easier had the details of orchestration and rehearsal been more prepared by yours truly when we showed up for the endgame. I’ve kept careful track of these lessons, and am now super excited to apply them next time around.

In fact, I have the opportunity to do much of that as I finish my revisions before the next performance with ProMusica Chamber Orchestra of Columbus in January. I’m making changes now so there’s time to sit with them and continue modifying until it seems right. And then, I’ll walk away from it and just enjoy the continuing process as the interpretation can evolve rather than the notes themselves.

There’s not much to do: a couple of sections need an extra measure or two to develop the way I meant. And balance! I was sure, as a cellist who has played many concertos, that I would get the balance right the first time around. Lo and behold, I was overambitious and could tell immediately that adjustments were needed. Some of it was a matter of adjusting dynamics in rehearsals, but we didn’t get quite all the way to balance perfection. No way am I going to practice some of the ridiculous passagework if it can’t even be heard! Those are relatively easy fixes though. The more I hear others play my music, the more I realize the importance of detailed markings. They can convey a shape and a character that bring them out even if a dynamic is soft, or simply serve to hold a players’ attention in a way that attracts the ear of a listener.

I’m very grateful to all who made this project possible. To have created something that speaks of personal emotions is a great feeling, and the fact that I’m able to share it on such a platform and with the support of others is incredibly inspiring and uplifting. This is only part two – eventually there will be music to play for you, and I look forward to that moment. In the meantime, go create something!!

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Backstage after the premiere. That was intense! It was great to have David Danzmayr conduct.

My current playlist:
Ingram Marshall: Gradual Requiem
David Byrne and St. Vincent: Love This Giant
Barber: Essay No.2 for Orchestra

Joshua Roman’s cello concerto “Awakening” was premiered on October 17, 2015 with Illinois Philharmonic Orchestra and conductor David Danzmayr, commissioned by Illinois Philharmonic Orchestra, ProMusica Chamber Orchestra of Columbus, The Lied Center of Kansas, and The Corral Family. For more about “Awakening,” check out the Chicago Tribune preview and its first review in Chicago Classical Review.